Chapter Six

I'm Awake and I'm Suicidal

I'm awake and I'm suicidal. I can't stand my apartment. It's on the fifth floor and I hate walking up so many stairs. I've been in this place way too long. It was supposed to be a place to stay for a few months, maybe a year, until things started to come together for me. Things never have, though.
I work at a convenience store on the midnight shift. I've been there for years now. It's a shit job, but at least it doesn't require much of me. I mostly stand behind the counter and hope that I don't get robbed.
I drag myself out of bed and shower. I want to start drinking soon so that I can have a good buzz going before I have to go to work.
I used to have a girlfriend, but I guess it didn't work out. I honestly can't remember what happened. Something bad, I guess.
There's a hooker living in the apartment next to mine. I keep wondering how much she charges. I couldn't afford it.
There's a giant lizard eating people in the park. It's been on the news the last few days. It apparently lives in one of the caves up at the north end. The newscaster says that it's the worst series of dino attacks in over twenty years.
I wish something would kill and eat me. After a few drinks I burn the back of my thigh with matches. The skin bubbles and pops. The smell is like salt cured pork being roasted and it makes my stomach growl. There’s nothing in the fridge but cold fish eyes.




Detroit and Beloit

This one time I got lost. This was a long time ago. It was before Detroit was fire bombed by the Coca Cola Company and before the outbreaks of Bubonic Plague in the mid-west, but after the war. That should give you some idea of the time period I'm talking about. I had gone hiking with Marla. It was her idea. That should be obvious. The thought of walking around in the woods freaks me out. Anyway, we went to this park that was hundreds of acres of nothing but woods and streams and animals that might eat you if they got the chance.
We stumbled around on paths that had been beaten down by deer or bison or something. Eventually we got off the path and into the trees. It was getting late and I had no idea how the fuck to get back to the car. Marla thought this was funny. I guess in her head it was one of those movie meet cute minutes that should have involved Woody Allen in some way.
I was terrified. I had pictures of my desiccated corpse being picked over by carrion birds and coyotes. I kept writing my obituary in my head. It was very short.
Eventually we found our way back to the highway.






A New Sort of Victim hood

I think maybe I killed her. I didn’t mean to. She wanted to play rough, she said so. She wanted me to strangle her while we fucked. I did. Maybe I did it too hard, or too long, because when I finished and rolled off of her I realized that she wasn’t moving. Now I’m lying here next to a dead girl. I guess the up side is that I don’t have to sneak out while she’s asleep. In fact, this place is much nicer than mine. Maybe I’ll stay here.
She has beer in the fridge and a bottle of vodka in the cabinet over the stove. I take two big gulps from the vodka bottle then open a beer. I’m going to have to deal with her body. I need more to drink first.
I down the beer, take another swig of vodka and open a second beer. By the fourth I’m ready to get to work. I wrap her body in the sheet and drag it to the tub. It isn’t easy. She was a tiny thing, but dead ninety-five pounds is a bitch to move. I get her in, finally. Then I go to the kitchen to take inventory. There’s a cleaver and a butcher knife, but that’s all.
I drive her car to a hardware store, one of those big chains that seem to be everywhere. I buy plastic sheeting, a hacksaw, a hatchet, a claw hammer and thirty jugs of the strongest industrial drain cleaner they stock. Then I go to Wal-Mart and buy scented candles, air freshener and bleach. For some reason I seem to know exactly what I’m doing.
Back at her apartment I start dismembering the body. I work at the joints until I have her separated into several good sized chunks. I rinse as much blood as I can down the drain. Then I put the stopper in place and pour all of the drain cleaner over her. I stretch the plastic sheeting across the top of the tub, light some candles and get ready to wait.
I finish the vodka and go to sleep.

During the night I douse myself with vodka and set myself on fire.